American Honey
by Chelsea Oz
Summary: This picks up where "If We Make It Through December" leaves off. Scout herself begins to not only wonder where the little girl inside of her went but also why her mother begins to haunt her dreams after so much time. These thoughts and dreams will be with her as she anticipates her wedding and marriage to Dill.
1. Chapter 1

February 14th, Valentine's Day, and New York City was in the midst of yet another blizzard. I look outside the window with nothing but an unbuttoned pajama top on and a cigarette in my hand. I thought snow was pretty when I first moved here but now I find it disgusting. Some of the people I've met that come from upstate or elsewhere north swear we are lucky and don't get much snow compared to them. I feel sorry for them.

"Humph," Dill sighed so loud that he woke himself up. What a doofus.

"You okay?" I asked before I took another long drag.

"Come back to bed," he demands quietly while he runs his fingers through his bedhead.

"I will soon," I say as I flick some of the butt off my cigarette.

"You look sexy as hell."

"Doesn't take much to turn you on, does it?"

"You shouldn't put yourself down," he says as he rolls over with his back to me.

"I don't," I retort as I toss the last of the cigarette in the waste basket. I skip and then jump onto the other side of the bed so he can look at me. He was shocked but he was smiling as I took my top off altogether. He takes my face in his hands and kisses me softly on the lips. I've never been with a guy who kisses me as tenderly as he does. He then just stares at me with that goofy grin of his.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," I say back to him.

"You do too," he says with a laugh and then he ducks under the covers as I throw a pillow at his head.

"You are a hateful little man, Charles Harris."

"Shut up; you love me."

"So what if I do?"

"I'll love you too."

"Do you?"

"You know it."

I give that sweet spot on his neck a kiss. Nothing gets him going quite like that one spot. I was so disheartened to find that the only thing it made him do was fall back to sleep. I look outside and figure it must be the weather. Fuck you, winter! I roll back over on my side of the bed, close my eyes, and try to think of what Alabama weather means to me. I would take an Alabama summer over a New York winter and that's sad because Alabama summers are a bitch with her monthly.

"Scout!" My brother Jem calls out for me.

I open up my eyes to find that I'm at Barker's Eddy. It was a sunny day and I can tell it was summer not by the heat I felt, but by the haze that surrounds the landscape. I feel wet and I look down to find my own legs dangling in the water; my little girl legs. I begin to giggle my little girl laugh and kick my legs with vigor.

"Scout," Jem calls out for me again.

"Where are you?"

"Aaahh-aah-ah!" Jem Tarzan yawps before I see him swing from a rope that had been hanging on the tree branch since I've been on this earth. He cannonballs into the water with a mighty splash and I laugh like crazy at my even crazier brother. We see each other as he comes back up from the surface and runs his wet hair through his fingers.

"You try now," he orders.

"I'd rather see you do it."

"You can do it! Don't be a baby."

"I'm not a baby!"

"You're acting like one..."

"Fine."

In my somewhat conscious adult mind, I have to laugh at myself. Nobody was going to call me out for being a baby or a chicken. I always liked to believe that I was stronger than I was and still do. I see myself getting back on dry land and heading up the tree to take a literal swing at that rope. I close my eyes the instant I get a good clutch on the rope, grit my teeth and count to ten, and then I push with all my might off the tree.

"Whoa!" I scream as I glide through the air at what feels like record speed.

"Let go, Scout!" Jem cries. I want to let go but I'm afraid; I pushed so hard that I know I will never stay afloat in the water I will be plunging into. To my horror, I can't hang on any longer and my hands slip, leading me to my fate of certain death by drowning. Someone grabs me as I hit the water and lifts me back up. I'm too busy crying to face the person that saved me.

"You're all right, honey," the woman says. A woman. She gives my cheek a kiss as soon as I begin to calm down.

"Who are you?" I ask as I sniffle.

"I'm your mama..."

"No!" I jolt out of sleep screaming and crying at the same time. My stomach still feels as empty as when I flew through the air and hit the water. I woke Dill up and I felt horrible because I don't want him seeing me like this. He comes closer to me and begins to rub my leg.

"You're all right, honey," he says as he kisses my cheek. You idiot, I think to myself, my mother just said and did that to me, you think that makes me feel better?


	2. Another Brick In The Wall

I was considered a model student during all my years of education within the Maycomb County School District. I never bragged about it then and after I attended college in Georgia and met other girls from all over the country, I realized that I really didn't have a reason to brag. I must have been the most backwards girl in the whole dormitory and in Maycomb I was considered the most educated. I don't know which is more sad: that situation I found myself in or the fact that there were girls out there in Maycomb where our shit school system failed them more than they ever could me. They tried to drag me under; Ms. Fisher being the proud first. I don't care about her skin or her first day, after all these years, she and her Dewey Decimal System can still bite me.

Yet with my education, or lack thereof, I still hold one of the highest positions a woman in Alabama could hold close behind that of being a teacher or a nurse: a secretary. In Maycomb you could either be a waitress (reserved for white trash girls mostly), a hairdresser, a secretary, a nurse or a teacher. If you weren't any of those things you were an unemployed, yet happy housewife because why of course! I guess you could always be a stewardess but why would any good girl from Maycomb want to leave that lovely town with the shit school system? She would just be flighty!

"Hello, typewriter," I say out loud to the only piece of shit that keeps me company all day. "You make me miss the bar."

One of the biggest secrets that have ever been kept from my Aunty was the fact my first job in New York was that of a cocktail waitress. I'm sure she would drop dead of heart failure at the thought that her trashy niece would be working an equally trashy job of hustling alcoholic beverages to drunks and hookers. At least they were people to talk to. That job only lasted a month or two until I got this job at a marketing company. I got hired as part of a secretarial pool with nine other girls and we are just substitutes for the permanants for whatever reason. I have yet to actually take over for a permanant; they pretty much keep me on the ground floor and give me odds and ends paper work to do all day. The nine other girls who are only here to pass time away until they find a husband or land that gig on Broadway get the fill-in roles. The only good thing about this position is the fact I can go home to my family whenever I want; nobody is going to miss the odds and ends secretary much and believe me they don't.

"Jane," a man calls for me out of nowhere.

"My name's Jean, sir," I correct him while not looking away from my file I'm currently updating.

"My name is Michael Brown, president of the company and i have bad news for you."

"Oh," I say looking up from my file.

"I'm very sorry but I see you have not had a chance to work on a permanant secretary position in the two years that you've worked here."

"Is that the bad news?"

"No, the bad news is that we don't have room for you and I'm afraid we are going to have to let you go."

I draw in a deep sigh and take a look at my typewriter. I really didn't need this to happen.

"Tell you what, I will let you finish today but there is no need to come back tomorrow..."

"No," I say as I get up from my chair and grab my winter garb. "If you people are sure you're all just fine without me I will just go now."

"I'm very sorry, Miss."

"That's okay," I say as I fling my purse around my shoulder with fake confidence. "I thought I needed a smoke break anyway."

Despite my cool exit from the company doors, I'm shaking on the inside. What am I supposed to do now? Find another secretary job right away? Go back to the bar and see if I can get my old job back? Maybe this was a sign; what if New York isn't my place after all? What if what I should do is just turn around and go back home?


	3. A Mother's Prayer

"Dill," I call out for my future husband.

"What are you doing home?" He asks as I find him sitting on a stool by our kitchen bar, typing away at his own typewriter. Turns out he had been a freelance writer in Europe and that's how he supported himself all those years after the war. He actually had gotten paid good money and that's how he always had the freedom to travel and live wherever he pleased.

"I came to see you," I say as I go over to him and rub his neck. "I missed you and your sex terribly."

"That's a given," he says as he begins to slither in his seat. I got him good that time. "So why are you home?"

"They let me go, Dill," I finally admit as I go to the fridge to grab some of Dill's wine.

"You don't drink," Dill said as he watched me pour a rather generous amount into a tumbler.

"Today's the day I start then," I say as I begin to sip it slow. I'm so stupid; I know I don't like alcohol and wine is not exactly like grape juice.

"What are you doing?" Dill asks, he knows I'm not fooling anyone with trying to get drunk.

"I don't know," I admit as I put the cup and head down at the same time. "What should we do, Dill?"

"It's your choice," he says as he gives me a backwards hug and a kiss on the neck. "I will go along with whatever."

"Whenever I would feel bad I would call Jem or Atticus but I really don't want to talk to them right now."

"Go take a nap," he suggests. A lightbulb goes off in my head as I remember my dream from last night. Maybe I should pray to my mother and see what happens. Would my mother know what to do?

"You're right," I say turning around to kiss his lips. "That's exactly what I'm going to do."

"Never say I have bad ideas."

"Did I ever tell you that?"

"No, but always remember that."

"You're a dork," I laugh as I kiss his cheek. "A nice dork, though. I can't believe how calm you are right now."

"Hey, I make good money on my own. My salary could support you too but you won't let me."

"You know I need some feeling of independence in my life."

"I know. Go take your nap."

"I said independence, not codependence," I say as I head to our bedroom and shut the door. I know I'm a shithead. I take a deep breath as I get on my knees and think of what to say to my mother. I have never spoken with her: not on the night of Tom Robinson's verdict, not on the night me and Jem were attacked by Bob Ewell, not the day Jem had his heart attack. I began to cry as I feel I have shunned my mother's spirit out of my life.

"Oh, mama," I sob. I pray that Dill can't hear me though he probably can. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I never got to know you. The way Atticus and Jem still feel about you I can tell you must have been one hell of a woman. I'm sorry for never acknowledging you all my life; I didn't know how to. You weren't there but I never blamed you, I know it just happened. I'm sorry you had to watch me and Jem go through all that we went through. I'm sorry you had to watch Atticus go through all that he went through, too. I'm sorry you have to watch me cry on the side of my bed, talking to your spirit because I don't know what the fuck else to do..."

I had to stop and catch my breath. My poor mother, what have I done to her? What am I doing to her?

"Mama," i whisper. "If you can just help me. I need you now and I know I've never said that before and I'm sorry but...I don't know...just come to me in a dream...tell me what to do and I'll do it. I really do love you and I'm so sorry for everything."

I can finally get up off my knees after that. I take all my clothes off, throw off the covers and crawl into the cold bed. A gust of wind blasts through my window and makes me shiver. I think that wind is enough to freeze my hot tears.

"Jean," Atticus calls out for me. "Jean."

I then see a very familiar looking little girl with a daisy crown and a pretty pink dress running through the pasture that leads to the Eddy. What was up with me always dreaming of the Eddy?

"Come here, baby," I hear a woman call out as I see the little girl begin to run faster. I finally see the woman: she has blonde, curly hair, she has a floral dress on and she looks like an angel. The closer she comes into my view the more I realize that I _am_ the little girl. I feel myself running and I feel myself leap into her open arms.

"Mommy," I feel my little girl self say to her.

"Yes, I'm mommy," she says with a smile and kiss for my cheek. So this is what she is about. I must have forgotten. "Hey, let's go home. Daddy's waiting for us."

I jolt out of bed when she said that. I had gotten the sign that I was looking for. Tears of joy and wonder pour out of my eyes. The sun had come out and it makes me laugh because i knew it must have been another miracle from mama.

"Thank you, mama," I say out loud. "I will see you soon, okay?"


	4. Mama, I'm Coming Home

I will never take the sunshine for granted again. I woke up from my nap on the plane and realized my face was pressed on the window as the sun shined down on me. The only thing that makes me happier than the sun is the fact that no one is on the outside to laugh at my sleeping face at the window. Maybe the occasional bird but I don't think they care. Either way I'm sure I looked hilarious.

"Are you all right, ma'am?" a friendly stewardess asks me. I roll over to face her at first it alarms me how much she looks like my mother. I quickly go from shock to comfort; ever since my dream the other night, the idea of my mother doesn't leave me with bad feelings anymore.

"Yes, I am," I reply with a smile.

"That was quite a long nap you took."

"I know, I sleep a lot when I travel."

"I'm jealous," she said as she walked away from me. Awkward.

"We are now moving out of Tennessee and onto to the Alabama borders. Your flight will be ending shortly," the pilot announces on the overhead.

I felt a sting of sadness when the announcement was over; the thought of being back here all of a sudden left a bitter taste in my mouth. I tried so hard to have a life outside of Maycomb and out of Alabama all together really and I didn't make it in the end. I just have to tell myself that I'm doing the right thing; tell myself that I just need to go home to my father, my brother, my uncle...and my aunt. Oh God, please don't tell me she's going to one of those thought-you-were-high-and-mighty-but-look-where-you-are-now spiels. Alexandra Sarafina Finch is a human cure for self-esteem and I couldn't shake the thought of her all the way to the Mobile airport. I went through the motions of exiting the plane and the baggage claim all with sullen spirit. It killed me to see my brother Jem standing there waiting for me with a smile on his face. I bit my lip to keep from crying but I ended up crying anyway.

"I thought you'd be happy to see me," Jem says once he has me in his arms.

"I am," I say. "I know you're trying to make me feel better but please don't."

"Okay," he says, letting me go. "Let's just get you in the car."

"Okay."

I have the best brother in the world. He took me to the car with his hand wrapped around me the whole time and he stayed quiet. Even when we began to drive out of the parking lot and back towards Maycomb did he not say anything.

"Can I play the radio?" He finally asked about fifteen minutes into the car ride.

"I don't care," I replied. _Bye, Bye Love_ by The Everly Brothers came on the radio and it made me think of how Dill's not here with me. Dill stayed behind in New York to help a friend transition into leasing our apartment and taking care of not only the final utility and rent payments but also some personals that I had left behind. With my last paycheck I had gotten yesterday, I had purchased my own plane ticket, Dill promised me all those other things if I would pay for my own way down here. He thought it was the best desicion for me and that he would join me as soon as he possibly could.

"Me and Sara are going to join you guys for dinner tonight," Jem says as soon as the song changes.

"What?"

"I said me and Sara are coming for dinner tonight."

"Oh, good. Is there a reason?"

"Yeah, you."

"I hate that."

"I know, I'm just teasing but we really are coming for dinner though."

"I'd like that," I say as I study my brother for a minute. I think there's something he wants to tell me. I wonder what that is? I stare out the window and for the first time in over an hour I can crack a smile.

"There you go," Jem pipes up.

"What?"

"You're smiling, I knew you could."

"It's nice to see grass and sunshine again. This alone makes me feel better."

"Winters are that rough, huh?"

"You have no idea."

"You're right and I'm glad I don't."

"Nobody ever said you were dumb, Jem Finch," I say as I put my brother's hand into my own. It may not be Dill's hand but it's a comforting hand nonetheless. "Thank you for everything."

"Not a problem."

"Even though I can be a little shit?"

"You _are_ a little shit but I love you anyway."

"I love you too, fuckface."

After all these years, we can still make each other laugh. I don't know a better person to laugh my way through hell with.


	5. Family Affair

"Am I ready for this?" I ask as my brother rings the doorbell to our father's house.

"Really Jean? It's only Atticus and Aunty," Jem scuffs at me.

I nearly jump and hold my breath as soon as I see and hear the doorknob turn. Sure enough it was Aunty who opened the door. I was really hoping it was Atticus seeing as it was a Saturday and the office wasn't open. Time has put a spell on Aunty; she never seems to change. She looks at me up and down with a shit-eating grin that she cannot hide. I feel my shoulders hunch and my knees begin to buckle.

"Aren't you two going to say anything to each other?" My brother asks, finally breaking the awkward silence.

"Hello, Aunty," I finally speak up as I go to hug her really quick. She doesn't really hug me back and I pull away from her as fast as I can.

"Come on in," she tells me rather coldly.

"Where's Atticus?" I ask as I step through the door.

"Resting," Aunty says as she shuts the door behind me and Jem. "His joints are really flaring up again..."

"Really?" I whisper to Jem as she starts going on and on.

"Really," he whispers back to me.

"Shit," I obviously said too loud because my comment shuts Aunty up.

"Jean Louise, is that really necessary?"

"Nome, sorry," I apologize. I really wasn't sorry. "May I go see him anyway?"

"As you please," Aunty says as she begins to walk away. I grit my teeth; God, if there is one phrase I hate more than any it's that one.

"I'll see you later tonight," Jem tells me as he kisses my cheek.

"See you later," I tell him as I kiss his cheek back. I watch him as he walks away and tells Aunty goodbye. It's only when he shuts the door that I knock on Atticus' door.

"Come in," he says. I can tell he's been wide awake for sometime now.

"Hey, Atticus," I say as I stare at my father lying in his bed. I don't think he looks sick at all which makes me happy.

"Hey, baby," he says as he pulls himself up out of bed.

"Atticus, don't," I say as I rush to his side. "I heard you haven't been feeling good."

"I haven't until you came here," he says with a smile.

"Well, aren't you just a charmer?" I smile back at him as we give each other kisses. "Seriously though, Atticus..."

"Honey, I'm fine," he says as he gets up with ease. I can breathe easy now. "How are you, though? Are you okay?"

"I feel kind of angry at myself to be honest."

"Oh, Scout," he says, resting his hands on my shoulders. "You didn't do anything wrong; those things just happen. You're a hard worker and I'm sure you can find any job you want around here."

"I might be over-qualified by Maycomb standards."

"You really didn't want to come back here, did you?"

"I kind of don't but someone, I mean something, told me this was the right thing to do."

He gave me a strange look when I said that but then he smiled. I wonder what he was thinking. I don't ask though; I just smile back at him as he gives my shoulders a gentle slap.

"Why don't you go through your things and freshen up? Dinner will be just a few hours."

"What are we having?"

"Roast beef and mashed potatoes."

"One of Jem's favorites."

"Jem's got a lot of favorites."

"True."

I then did as Atticus suggested and headed to my now "new" room. I go through my clothes, books and toiletries. Once those things are squared away I head into the bathroom to take a shower and shampoo my hair. I get into my company clothes as soon as I'm dry enough and give my newly dry hair a quick comb through as I hear the doorbell ring. I knew it had to be Jem and Sara and I fly down the stairs to go meet them.

"What'd you get dressed up for roast beef for?" Jem teases as he sees me.

"Jem!" Sara playfully punches his arm. "Leave her alone!"

"It's all right, Sara," I say as I give her a hug. "How are you?"

"Good. How are you if you don't mind me asking?"

"Better now that I'm finally here."

"Well, good."

"Come on and get seated, everyone," Aunty calls from the kitchen. "It's just about ready."

The dinner really did smell delicious and I was pretty excited. If I can say one nice thing about Aunt Alexandra is that she is a good cook. Atticus sneaks up behind me and puts his arm around me as we walk into the dining room.

"She's got the white tablecloth out," I pointed out. "Oh boy, this must be special."

"It will be, sweet," Atticus says with a wink. I think about the announcement Jem said he had in store for us and wonder if Atticus already knows. I couldn't help but think about how weird this whole situation seemed as we ate our dinner. I seemed to be in my own world as Atticus and Jem discussed work and Sara and Aunty talked about "women's work."

"Jean," Jem says out of nowhere.

"What?" I asked, jumping in my seat a little.

"Got you something," he says as he hands me an envelope.

"Why, thank you," I say as I tear it open. "You didn't have to give me anything."

"Read it out loud," he says.

"Why?"

"Just do it."

"Okay," I say as I inhale. I was stumped when I turned the card upright; it had a baby in a carriage on it. The message inside was handwritten. "You're going to be a great aunt."

"Yeah, Jean," Jem giggled.

"Well, Aunty," I say turning to her. "This card is for you because you would be a great- aunt and I would only be an aunt."

"Right, Jean," Jem said, still giggling.

"I know I'm right."

"You don't get it do you?"

"What?"

"I'm pregnant, Jean," Sara finally coughs it up.

A wave of shock floods through me and I stare at the card again. My brother was going to be a father! I began to cry and everyone began to laugh at me for crying. Sara actually came up to me and hugged me first and then Jem got his asshole self over to me.

"You got me good that time," I say as I hug them both back.

"You happy?" Jem asked me.

"Over the moon."


	6. Devil With A Blue Dress On

"You knew the whole time, didn't you?" I ask Atticus before we both go to bed. He was already with his pajamas on and a book in his hand. I crane my neck to see the title of the book in the crease.

"Knew what?"

"Really? You're reading _The Jungle_ after eating roast beef?"

"We made a lot of improvements since then, sweet. Don't change your own subject."

"What subject?"

"You asked me if I knew something the whole time and I asked you what and you never responded."

"Oh, right," I reply as I bite my lip from embarrassment. I swear the older I get the more frazzled I become. "I was talking about Sara and Jem."

"I confess," Atticus breathes and finally puts down the book so he can look at me. "I knew as soon as they came back from their honeymoon that she was."

"How? They were only married for a week by then. You don't suppose she was pregnant beforehand?"

"So what if she was?"

"I don't know," I shrug my shoulders.

"Sweet, they aren't the first couple that got pregnant right before their wedding and they won't be the last."

"Was mama pregnant before she married you?"

My questioned had alarmed Atticus; he jumped a little and his eyes kind of bugged. It scared me to see him react that way to my question.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just can't believe you asked me about your mother."

"Do you not want me to talk about her?"

"No, no, honey. It's just that you never really seem to care to mention her let alone ask me a question about her."

"She's just been on my mind a little lately," I fib. She's been on my mind a lot to the point where I feel there is no use in trying to shake her from it.

"Well, the truth is that no, she was not pregnant before we were married," he said getting up from the chair and heading towards me. He puts his hands on my shoulders again and looks me gently in the eyes. "Another truth is that you never should feel embarrassed or nervous about asking me of your mother. I'm sorry if I was never really open about it before but if there's anything you want to ask or talk to me in regards of her, we can talk about it."

"Okay," I tell him. There's plenty of things I can talk to him about from just the past few days but I don't want to right now. His hands move from my shoulders to my cheeks as he plants a kiss on my forehead. I hug him gently around his waist and he hugs my neck.

"Goodnight, Atticus," I tell him as I pull away from his sweet embrace.

"Goodnight, baby," he tells me as he watches me walk away to my own room. I can go to bed happy; it made me feel good that he was so open and honest with me. Even though he isn't the man I thought he was, I still feel extremely fortunate to call him my father. If he can love me with all my faults, I can surely love him with all of his.

"You're home," a female voice commented.

"Yes, I am," I answer as I look out the window to find that it's actually daytime and I'm actually at Finch's Landing. "Where are you?"

"Down by the river," she tells me. "I want to show you something."

I make my way through the house and out the door with squinted eyes due to the sun being so bright. Once my eyes are adjusted, I see that I'm on the bank of the lazy river. The water was crystal, the sky was turquoise, and everything else seemed to be yellow. There was a woman there that I can now easily recognize as mama and she had a baby girl in her hands. She was a beautiful baby, whomever it was. She had a full head of dark hair, blue eyes and she was wearing a blue dress that matched her eyes.

"Is that Jem's baby?" I ask her.

"Excuse me?"

"Is that my brother's baby? Is that your granddaughter? My niece?"

"Oh, no, honey. Don't you know who she is?" She asks as she tried to pass the baby off to me.

"No, no, please," I ask, backing away from the baby offering. "I was just wondering who she belongs to."

"She belongs to you."

"No, she doesn't," I protest. "I'm not expecting."

"Honey," she draws a breath and an understanding smile. "She belongs to you because she's _you_."

"Me?" I ask, flabbergasted.

"Yes, don't you recognize you?"

That question would haunt me right into the next day.


	7. Let Her Cry

Where are you?" Atticus asks me while he rubs my head. We were at the breakfast table and I must have dozed off from not having much sleep last night. I doubt anyone who had a dream visit with their mama like that would have a rough time falling back to sleep.

"I'm tired, Atticus," I admit with a sigh. There was no trying to hide it.

"Didn't you sleep well last night?"

"No."

"How come?"

"Just from everything that has been going on..."

I don't know why I just can't tell him about mama's dreams. Do I really think that after all these years if I mention mama that he will just dissolve into nothing? My adult mind knows that but my inner child can't seem to comprehend it. Maybe that's why she comes to me now? I thought originally she would show up once in a while to help me and I'm sure she is but so far it has been more disturbing than I thought it would be.

"Everything's going to be all right, honey," he humphs as he goes back to his morning paper. He must sense there is more to my story than I'm telling him. I'm stupid for holding myself back from him like I am. A sob began to creep up from my chest and out of my mouth. Hot tears formed behind my eyes and shed before I even had a chance to blink. I feel I have no control over my emotions anymore and it's scaring the hell out of me.

"Go to your room," Atticus orders.

"What?"

"Go to your room and finish your crying."

I was shocked by how cold he was behaving towards me right now. I could only stare at him in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I inhale sharply as he looks down from his paper and looks me right in the eyes.

"Get going."

My sobs began to act up again as I notice Aunty waltz into the kitchen with a big smile on her face. You are a fucking cunt, I think to myself. I get up from the table and slowly walk to the opposite staircase away from them. I take a pause on the top step as I hear Aunty start saying something about me.

"A lady doesn't wallow in pity..."

That's all I heard and I didn't need to hear anymore. My tears that originally stemmed from being overwhelmed had now turned into tears of rage. When I was here over the summer, I vowed I would never let myself be hurt by Atticus again. I hated that one time I hated him but now I can honestly say those emotions are coming back. Can't he see the strain that I'm under? Doesn't he understand that my life has completely changed in the past year and I feel I haven't had a moment to catch my breath? I look down on my engagement ring and I immeadiately got the urge to call the one man who could make me feel better. I feel lucky that my room has a phone in it. My fingers can't dial my New York number fast enough.

"Charles Harris," he answered the phone so cooly.

"I've made a mistake," I whisper and sob into the phone.

"What happened sweetheart?"

"What hasn't happened to me, Dill? I go to New York to be a failure and now I come back home to be an even better failure?"

"Honey, you are not a failure. Did your aunt say something?"

"When doesn't she say anything? It's Atticus."

"Atticus?"

"I want to tell him so much and I want to be here to make everything okay for him," I had to pause to catch my breath. "I fell apart at the kitchen table and he told me to leave."

"Really?"

"I don't know what to feel. He's never been that cold with me before."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't know what to tell you."

"Tell me you'll be with me soon?"

"Of course. Just another week or two and I will be in Maycomb with you. I can't wait. I love you, I love you so much."

"I love you very much, too."

"I can't wait to hug and kiss you when I see you."

"I can't wait to do the same for you. Are you working today?"

"Yeah, unfortunately. Hopefully this next piece will buy me a ticket back to you."

"I'm sure it will be. I better let you go so you can come back to me faster."

"I want to tell you something first."

"What?"

"You're okay."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Bye, bye, sweetheart."

"Bye, bye, sweet."

I knew I was in love when I have butterflies in my stomach after such a telephone call. After all these years, Charles Baker Harris was the only man who could dare me to love my life. Now that I think about it, he came back into my life in New York almost as miraculous as he came into it in the first place right here in Maycomb. He was there with me during Tom Robinson's trial and now he was going to be here with me as I go through my own. I hug my pillow and lay down on the bed as I keep thinking about my soon-to-be-husband. I will cry the last of my tears and wait for him to come home.


	8. Tell Her About It

I just blinked for a moment and then I found myself in a familiarity so profound that I was immeadiately comforted. I was definitely in my Alabama Avenue house and as I wondered through the rooms it was as if I never left home. There was a gentle tap at the window and I looked to find it had started to rain. I have to smile; the rain made me feel even more at home and comfortable. I walked into the living room and wonder why I am not surprised to see mama sitting there on the chair.

"We meet again," I say, actually speaking to her first.

"So we do," she replied with a smile. "I'm glad you came."

"So am I."

"Atticus," she looked to her right as she said my father's name. "Atticus."

It was as if I were watching in slow motion what was happening before me. I can't believe I didn't see Atticus sitting in the chair opposite of her. He once again had his buried in the newspaper he was reading and mama had to keep tapping his knee just to get him to look at her. When he finally does, I'm shocked to see how young he looks. He easily regressed twenty years to look like what I remember him looking like when we were going through Tom Robinson's trial. I think about what he looks like twenty years later and how horrible it is; my father nowadays looks like he has been rode hard and put away wet. I'm sure he feels the same with his rheumatism and all.

"What is it Jean?"

"Look at her," she says, pointing to me. He looked right at me as I waved to him and he looked absolutely lost.

"Who's she?" He asked. My heart sunk. "I don't see anyone."

"Atticus, this is Jean Louise, our daughter."

I stood there frozen; I couldn't do anything: laugh, cry, run, hide, nothing. I take a better look at Atticus as he looks down at his lap and begins to rub his lap. What was he doing that for? Do I even want to know?

"What are you doing?" I ask out loud.

"Did you say something?" He asks my mother. So he can hear me but he can't see me? Weird.

"I wanted you to take a look at our daughter."

"I've got her right here," he says as he reveals my baby self to me. I gasp when I see myself because I look exactly the same way I did in last night's dream. Must be baby me didn't want to be noticed because I began to cry as soon as he lifted up the newspaper I was hiding under.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Atticus tells me, tenderly. "Want me to rub your head some more?"

So that's what he was doing earlier. I watch as my father gives my head a rub to ease my crying. Mama leans over to watch me and him together and they both begin to laugh. I turn around to see what was so funny and found out they were laughing at me. I was enjoying my head rub so much that I was smiling and rolling my eyes. The more I looked down at my baby self, the more I felt my own head be rubbed. A head rub must still do the trick for me because I smile and close my eyes to better take in the sensation.

I woke up to find Atticus doing just that. I roll over to where he was standing and I give him a big smile. I felt so loved watching me and him in my dream that all that happened before seemed to have melted from my memory.

"I'm not going to cry anymore, Atticus," I tell him. That was when my head rub stopped and he scooched down to sit next to me. That gets me up quick with anticipation for what was going to happen next. I flinch as I see the hankercheif come out of his breast pocket.

"I had no right to act towards you the way I did," he says as he wipes his eyes.

"It's all right..."

"No, it isn't," he said with a raised voice. "It was very wrong and I'm very sorry."

"Why did you act that way for?"

"I was angry with you and not because you were crying."

"Then why?"

"Something is bothering you and after all these years you can't bring yourself to tell me what's wrong."

"If I was strong enough to tell you about it, I would."

"Bullshit, honey!"

"Since when do you talk that way to me?" I was the one getting angry now.

"Since when are you not strong?"

"Since mama started coming to me in my dreams, that's when!"

He and I gasp out loud at the same time. His eyes well up with tears big time as he begins to rub my cheek. It's not long before my own tears follow his and Atticus catches them with his thumb.

"Tell you a secret," he says to me with his hand never leaving my face.

"What?"

"I see her, too."

I gulp down a lump in my throat. Something profound was happening: for the first time in almost thirty years, my father and I were grieving over the woman we loved the most together.


	9. Talledega

"Excuse me," Aunt Alexandra said as she knocked on my door. She always knew how to fuck up a moment.

"Come in," I reply, annoyed. I watched her walk in with her Sunday best on and groaned because I totally forgot about church. Sleeping in became my religion and my bed was my church back in New York City.

"Am I interrupting something?" She asked as she looked at my father.

"No," he replied.

"Why would you?" I asked. It just slipped out and Atticus was not amused, I could tell by his eyebrows. They could really use a trim now that I'm laying here looking at them.

"Are you going to church with us, Jean Louise?"

"Nome. I think I would like to stay here today."

"You can always go over to Jem's house," Atticus said. "He told me he wasn't going to go today either."

"Humph," Aunt Alexandra sighed as she walked out the door. Why yes, Aunty, Jeremy and Jean Louise "No Good" Finches aren't going to church today by their own free will. Whatever shall you do?

"Are you sure you don't want to come along?"

"Yes, Atticus."

"Well," he says as he gets up from my bed. "I guess I better get ready. I love you."

"I love you, too," I reply as we kiss each other's cheeks. It felt good to love him again; I don't like it when I hate him. I roll over on the other side of the bed when he leaves and I look at the sun streaming from my window. A big smile creeps over my face as I hear birds chirp outside. February in Maycomb was May in New York City; I realized then how much I actually didn't miss New York. I guess home really is where the heart is after all. I don't leave my bed until I hear the car pull out of the driveway and then I get up to change into my top and slacks. I was gonna go see my brother.

Birmingham Street, where we now live, is one of the newest streets in town, built right after WW2. It is also the longest of them and at different points of it are five different drives that branch out from our street. They are all named after Alabama's other larger cities: Tuscaloosa Circle, Huntsville Drive, Mobile Way, Madison Boulevard and Talledega Lane. My brother and his wife lived on Talledega Lane which made me happy because that was the closest drive from our house; only a two block walk.

It's funny how I find the streets littered with children now that I'm an adult. Even as a child I found it weird that me and my brother were the only children living on the main residential street, until Dill came along of course. It really was heartwarming to see the little boys playing Cowboys and Indians while the girls twirled their hips around in their hula hoops. They make me smile all the way to the one-story yellow ranch house that Jem owns with Sara. It's the perfect starter home for a family, I think.

"Well," Jem said as he answers my knock at the door. "Look who didn't go to church."

"Well," I reply as I walk in. "When in Rome. Nice place you got here."

"Thanks. I've been cleaning for Sara a bit."

"Where is she?"

"Working."

"She still works?"

"Only on weekends."

"I thought she wasn't going to work once she got married."

Jem didn't have an answer for that one. He just shrugged his shoulders as he wiped his hands with a dishtowel he was carrying around. I sit down on their black leather couch that was as cold as hell but felt nice just the same.

"What are you really doing here?" He asks as he takes a seat beside me.

"Can't a girl see her brother because she feels like it?"

"No."

"Fuckface," I say as I punch his arm. He punches my arm back and then we keep it up for a couple of minutes because that's what we do.

"Hey," I say as I knock off our shenanigans.

"Hey."

"Do you dream about mama?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, lately. That's why I'm wondering if you do, too."

My brother kind of turned white at my confession. He started to inhale hard and I began to regret coming here.

"I don't think you know how close to death I was a few times," he finally managed to say.

"I knew it when you had your heart attack."

"Also the night we were attacked."

"So you saw mama? I mean, you really saw her then?"

"She came down to take me to heaven with her both times."

He was right: I never realized how close he was to death a number of times. All of a sudden the thought of how lucky I was to have him still here with me flooded through my veins. Tears began to cloud my eyes again and I put my lips to my hands. I was totally overwhelmed with grief and gratitude all at the same time.

"It's okay, Jean," Jem says as he rubs my back. "I'm still here and I'm going to stay here, I promise. Please don't cry."

"Jem?" I ask as I face him again.

"What?"

"Why did you come back?"

"I heard a heartbeat."

"A heartbeat?"

"Yeah," he says as he licks his lips. I could tell he was trying not to cry now. "Jean, both times I took mama's hand...I was ready to go with her, I missed her...then I would hear that heartbeat and I would change my mind everytime."

"Whose heartbeat do you suppose it was?"

"I don't know."

I wrap my arms around my brother and he does the same for me. I was now comforting my brother over grief that was never dealt with. It's amazing to me how much healing has not been done in my family with all the time that we've had.


	10. 3 AM

"Yes, operator, I will accept the charges."

Atticus is going to kill me when he sees his telephone bill at the end of the month. This is the second time in one day that I've been on the phone with my special someone in New York. I will add this to an already long list of reasons why I want Dill here with me.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart."

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when you call me sweetheart?"

"No. Now that you mention it I promise to keep calling you that, though."

"Wouldn't bother me at all."

"You sound like you're having a better day."

"Because I finally told Atticus and Jem the truth about why I've been so off-kilter."

"Why are you?"

"Promise me you won't be mad?"

"I won't get mad."

"I've been having dreams about my mother."

"Good or bad?"

"Both, I guess. She's the reason why I'm here in the first place. She told me that Atticus was waiting for me and that I should go home with her."

I gave myself the chills when I said that. It reminded me of the conversation I had with my brother and how he was ready for her to take him away. I know our circumstances were very different but eerily similar at the same time.

"I'm glad to know you do what you're told. You should listen to your mother."

"Yeah, like you ever listened to yours."

"Your mother loves you, mine didn't."

"How do you know?"

"My mother never comes to me in my dreams but yours does. That's got to mean something."

"Well, why did she wait twenty-five years to come visit me then, Mr. Smart Guy?"

"Maybe she knew that you weren't ready for her until now."

"I don't feel ready for her, though."

"Well, like it or not, she's in your psyche."

"I know," I say in hopes of changing to a new topic. "Did you submit your piece?"

"Not until tomorrow. Once my check comes, I'll be out of this apartment and in your bed."

"It's been rough not having sex for two days."

"Oh God, it's been that long?"

"Yeah," I laugh. "Well, I'm gonna go to bed here soon so I'll let you go."

"Okay, sweetheart."

"Have a nice, naughty dream about me for yourself, okay?"

"Only if you do the same for me."

"Hey, my mother would be watching!"

"Oh my God, Scout! Good night!"

"Good night," I laugh again as I hang up the phone. He's a doofus but I love him anyway. My body tingles all the way to my toes at the thought of him. I miss the way he would touch me at night and his hot breath on my neck while I slept. I miss the way he would squirm in his sleep while I kissed his neck or massaged his hair. The best feeling in the world is going to sleep with the someone you love, wanting to love on your mind.

"Run, Scout," Jem calls out for me. I opened my eyes to see that I was in the forest. I could only squint and squirm as I try to break free from what was holding me back. "Run, run!"

"I can't!" I want to scream but the words won't come out. I open my eyes to see Bob Ewell beat up my brother. Why was I reliving this nightmare again?

"Scout, stay there," I hear my mother's voice from overhead. "Don't take off your costume! You stay there! Help is on the way! You're going to be okay."

I do as I say as I watch helplessly as Bob Ewell takes his knife out of his pocket. It was then that mama came in between him and Jem.

"Duck!" Mama shouted as soon as Bob tried to stab Jem. Jem would listen to her and duck while she took the blow. I had to keep reminding myself that he couldn't hurt her because she was already dead.

"Duck again!" She shouted as the same thing happened. That was when Bob decided to give up already and in his drunken stupor flung his arms in the air and knocked mama to the ground. Mama didn't have time to get up before Bob grabbed my brother and laid into him. My poor brother was too tired to fight back by this time.

That was when I saw Boo show up. I was waiting for him to go get the knife and stab him like I always believed he did. He didn't though; he just went to Bob and tried to pull him off Jem. That was when Bob got up and tried to fight Boo as he looked down on the ground to try to find his knife.

"You want your knife?" Mama asked as she held it in her hand. "You want your knife? You got it!"

He got it all right, right in the ribs. Bob fell hard as mama seemed to have disappeared into thin air as Boo picked up my brother and carried him home.

"Scout, go home," Mama told me out of nowhere. It was this time that I finally got the strength to take off my costume and follow Boo and Jem back home. Something makes me stop as I look at my mother stab my ham costume. What did she do that for? I could have died when she looked at me crying.

"Don't look back," she said with her voice full of sorrow.

"I'm sorry, mama," I whisper before I run back to my house. All the while my mother's words of, "Don't look back," rang through my ears. I woke up once I made it into the inside of our house. It was three in the morning; the soul's midnight. What was it that Heck Tate said to my father about that night? Oh, yeah...

 **"Let the dead bury the dead this time, Mr. Finch."**


	11. Only The Good Die Young

I was amazed with how well I took the dream the night before. I didn't scream, I didn't cry, I just thought of what Heck Tate said and I felt this immediate sense of comfort. Mama has been looking after me all along and I am not going to feel sad or guilty about not seeing it in the past. It is the only way I can visit mama in the now and not be upset. Maybe Dill was right, she will only come to me when she feels I'm ready for her. My Uncle Jack read a lot of the poet William Blake's work and their was this one poem of his that I can't remember the title, but one line:

 **"And throughout all eternity, I forgive you and you forgive me."**

I think that line perfectly sums up mine and mama's relationship. I forgive you mama for dying and I pray with all my heart that you have forgiven me for not realizing that you've been with me all this time. If heaven and it's angels are what I'm taught to believe is true, you must have done that already.

"Well, look at you," Atticus said as I walked in the kitchen for breakfast.

"Why? What's the matter?"

"You look radiant; like you've had a good night's sleep for yourself."

"I may have," I say with a sly smile and a kiss for his cheek.

"Nice to know someone has," Aunty's voice boomed. I've heard nails on a chalkboard that sounded more pleasant than that before.

"What's the matter?" I asked, trying to be nice despite myself. "Don't you sleep good anymore?"

"Not as much as I should."

Me being nice to her must have shocked her because that's all she said. Something was not right with her; her skin almost looked gray and there was something else up with her but I couldn't put my finger on it. Has she always been this way and I've just been too annoyed with her to notice? Does Atticus notice what I do? I jump a little when he kisses my cheek.

"I unfortunately have to go," he says. I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was quarter of nine already.

"Have a good day," I tell him as I wrap my arms around his neck for a quick hug.

"Bye, Brother," Aunty said, rather cold.

"Bye, Sister," he said as he walked out the door.

After I heard him shut the door, I stole the newspaper from him to look through the classifieds. I need to find a job soon; I can't sit around here all day and make no money to do anything with. I wasn't raised to be a mooch and I'm certainly not going to start now.

"Looking for a job already?" Aunty asked as she was finishing the last of Atticus' dishes.

"Yes, ma'am," I reply with a mouthful of toast. Now I wait for another lecture.

"Do you see anything you like?"

"Well," I reply with a sip of coffee. "I don't know anything about hairdressing and I don't have any training credentials in either teaching or nursing."

"You know how to type, though. I can't believe there are no secretary jobs for you."

"According to these classifieds there aren't. I guess I could always waitress until a secretary job comes along..."

"Jean Louise, you are better than that and you know it."

"Um," I say, speechless. Did she just compliment me right now? "Thank you."

"Well,"she said. I think she rendered herself speechless with that one, too. "I'm going to go upstairs and wash up."

"That's okay," I say with another bite of toast. "I can clean up my own dishes."

"Thank you," she says as she walks away. I sigh at the fact that Maycomb, relatively still "booming" after WW2, didn't have a lot of options for work. I then laugh at myself because did I honestly think that this was New York where you could quit your job on Monday and get a new one on Wednesday? Gee, if I think it's that easy up there why didn't I stay there? Oh yeah, mama.

My thoughts were interrupted by a crash. It scared me so much that it made me spill my still hot coffee all over the front of my shirt. I shot up and ran upstairs to the bathroom. I walk in to find my Aunt Alexandra lying on the floor, naked, with the shower glass door scattered in pieces all around her. I crawl over the glass to get to her to take her pulse; there wasn't one. I press my ear to her chest for a heartbeat; she didn't have one. She had already grown cold and I knew she was gone. With broken glass stuck in my feet, I make my way to the telephone. I dial the phone like I would any other time, I feel so numb.

"Charles Harris," Dill answers.

"Aunt Alexandra just died. How am I supposed to tell Atticus his sister died?"

"I don't know," he replied. He's as numb as I am.

"Me either."

We sit in silence as I look back at the bathroom. I can still see her lying there. All the while, William Blake's line plays over and over in my head:

 **"And throughout all eternity, I forgive you and you forgive me."**


	12. Blank Space

The next few days were to be the longest days of my life. I don't know how I managed to pick up the phone after I let Dill go, but I did it. I thank God it was Jem that ended up answering the phone because even though I knew it would be a blow to him, it wouldn't affect him nearly as much as it would Atticus. We made a plan that Jem would tell Atticus something was wrong with the shower and they should both take a look. I wasn't sure if Atticus would buy it but he took the bait because they showed up as soon as I had gotten Aunty dressed for the last time. I didn't even bother to pick up the glass because that would be evidence that there was something definitely wrong with the shower. I would be the one to tell him what happened and I swear it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Atticus had turned white and started to shake at the sight of his now deceased sister. I lost it when I saw him bend down and kiss her forehead. I will forever be thankful to the heartbeat that brought my brother back because I know I couldn't go through this on my own. Jem and I held each other and cried for what seemed like a long time.

Uncle Jack was equally beside himself. He drunk drove back to our house and nearly crashed into the tree in our front yard. God, just what Atticus would need, another dead sibling.

"Brother," Atticus called out. "If you crashed and lived, I would have been so mad."

"What if I crashed and died?" He asked with slurred speech.

"I would be so sad," Atticus admitted as tears formed in his eyes. Jack found the strength to stumble up the stairs to embrace my father. They kissed each other's cheeks as a matter of course and hugged for again what seemed like a long time.

Emotions ran high for Sara, too. She kept running to the bathroom and back due to nausea. I asked her if it was the baby or Aunty and she replied with both. I wonder if Jem remembered how superstitious Aunty always was about pregnant women. Pregnant women were not to be exposed to mourning the death of a loved one; funerals were a big no-no. I didn't dare bring it up anyway.

Atticus tried like hell to get a hold of Francis the Fucker but to no avail. I guess he still hadn't forgiven Atticus for being friendly with his sister and her estranged husband after their split. It was just as well in my book, I never liked him. Atticus, however, was successful at getting in touch with Jimmy. Jimmy thanked him for calling to tell him the news but he wasn't coming to Maycomb for her services. He insisted that he wanted to remember her for the way she was. I guess I could understand it but at the same time, she was his wife for a long time. Wouldn't it only be the right thing to do to pay your respects no matter how estranged you have become? Uncle Jimmy wasn't a bad man, he was just an odd one. They say not to judge a book by it's cover but even his cover was a blank space.

It wasn't unil the day after Aunty's death did Atticus finally get a hold of Aunt Caroline. Caroline had become estranged from her family over the years and I honestly couldn't even tell you the last time I saw her. She was still living in Mobile even though she divorced the man she eloped with when she was seventeen. That was all I really knew or remember about her. I was going to get acquainted with her again soon because she told us that she would be there for her services.

She never showed up. The preacher put on a sad show for a family of five: Me, Atticus, Jem, Sara and Uncle Jack. I felt sorry for her that we were the only ones here and that her own sister, ex-husband and son didn't have the balls to come. At least she had her missionary club friends to help ease some pain at the fact the family party was pitiful. I noticed that Atticus would peer over his shoulder, waiting for that door to swing open and for Caroline to arrive but it never happened. The last time he looked back it was five minutes until the end and that's when he realized to give up already. I wrapped my arm around his and laid my head on his shoulder. The only thing that can be more cruel than life is the people in your life.

It wasn't until that night when the potluck food was eaten and stored for later and the ladies went home that the miracle happened. A woman pulled in the driveway at dark so we couldn't see who it was at first. All me and Jem could do was wait and see as Uncle Jack answered the door.

"Where the fuck have you been?" He shouted.

"Don't give me shit."

Oh, she was a foul mouth, too. I sprinted to the doorway to catch a glimpse of my aunt that I don't have much memory of. She looked like she'd seen better days herself: her hair was auburn with black roots, a terrible dye job; her eyes were brown with black mascara smudgings and she was very thin. Aunty would be so embarrassed of her sister right now.

"You told us you would be there!"

"I chickened out at the last minute."

"Why?"

"I didn't think she would want me there."

"What's going on in here?" Atticus asked as he finally made his way down the stairs. I wondered what his reaction to his sister would be like after she was a no call/no show at the services. Another miracle happened: she smiled at him and he smiled at her. He barely made down the stairs before she was in his arms.

"It's good to see you," he said as he kissed his sister's cheek.

"It's good to see you," she said as she gave his cheek a kiss.

"Jean Louise," he said, looking at me. "Do you remember your Aunt Caroline?"

I shook my head no as Aunt Caroline let out a laugh of embarrassment. I just smile shyly as she comes over to me and gives me a hug. She smells better than she looks, I'll give her that.

"What a pretty girl you are," she commented as she kissed me.

"You think I'm pretty?"

"Why, sure. You look like your dad."

"Well, thank you."

I like her already. She took my face in her hands and gave me another kiss. That was when she spotted Jem and Sara in the corner, taking it all in.

"Don't tell me you're Jem," Caroline said.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, rather shy. His face turned pink as it was his turn to hug her.

"You look so much like your mother," she whispered with a hint of sorrow in her voice.

"So I've been told," he said as he broke away from her. He put his arm around Sara at that point. "Aunt Caroline, this is my wife, Sara."

"Nice to meet you, honey," she said, this time greeting with a lady-like hand shake.

"Nice to meet you," Sara replied, sweetly.

"We're expecting," Jem announced. Aunt Caroline let out a small squeal and hugged Jem again.

"You devil!" She squeaked as we all laughed. "You're going to make your ole aunt a great one!"

"Yes, ma'am."

That was when she turned around to my father again and gave him another hug.

"Congratulations, grandpa," she said.

"Sister?"

"Yes, Atticus?"

"Would you like to spend the night here?"

"I would love that."

"I need another drink," Uncle Jack said as he made his way into the kitchen.

"Like hell," Caroline said, loudly.

"Fuck off."

Aunt Alexandra always wondered where Jem and I got our attitudes from.


	13. Ex's and Oh's

"It's okay, sweetheart," Mama says to me as she holds me in her arms. "Mommy's here."

Well, it wasn't exactly me she was holding but a little toddler girl that I knew had to be me. I was on the outside looking in again as we were back at our old house. I couldn't stay to hear my little girl self cry; she made me cry. I had tears rolling down my face that were bigger than I was and my face was red. I watch as mama gently kisses my cheeks and puts my face in her hands.

"Mama go bye," I heard myself say. I let out a small gasp when I heard that.

"No, mommy is here," she said as she pointed to my chest, meaning my heart. "Mommy will never leave you."

Why did I have a strange feeling that I had dreampt this before? Maybe I didn't even dream it before, maybe I had actually lived it. This feeling of familiarity was not a comfort to me but watching how my mama's words comforted my little self did. I see myself wrap my little arms around her neck and squeeze her as tight as I can. She returns the favor with a kiss for my temple.

"Mommy loves you very much," she said as she continues to rock me back and forth. I break free from her with a smile on my face. I was actually cute when I smiled, maybe I should smile more often.

"Love you," I tell mama as I point to her heart now.

"I knew it!" Mama squeals as she picks me up in the air. I laugh a hearty laugh as she brings me back down on her lap and gives me another kiss.

Something pulled me back to earth because my eyes flutter open. What the fuck? Why are all the good mama dreams so short? I guess she was just trying to tell me she was with me right now. Thanks mama, I really feel I do need you right now. I roll out of bed, throw on my pajama bottoms and go downstairs to meet my father and Aunt Caroline at the breakfast table. It's still a shock knowing that she's here and I guess back in my life now.

"Good morning, honey," she sweetly greets me.

"Good morning, Aunty," I greet back.

"Aunty? Please don't call me that."

"Oh?"

"Just call me Caroline, honey. It's okay."

"Atticus, are you sure we're related to her?"

Atticus and Caroline laugh at that one. I wasn't trying to be funny; I may have only known her a short while but it's fascinating to me how two women, sisters, could be so different from each other. Caroline comes across as a non-judgemental, gentle, caring person; she must be the female version of my father.

"Yes, honey, you are," Atticus says as he gets up and kisses my cheek. It must have been time for him to leave already.

"I can't believe you're going back to work so soon."

"Baby, what can I do? Life goes on. Your aunt would do the same thing."

"Okay," I tell him as he gets going. Who could argue with that logic?

"Well," Caroline says as Atticus shuts the door behind him. "Can I make you some coffee?"

"That's all right. I can make myself some."

"You don't have to, honey; I'm offering."

"Well, if you insist," I give in as I take a seat.

"I do," she said as she gives me a pat on the back. While she gets going on the coffee, I grab the newspaper that Atticus left behind to skim through the classifieds once again. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that they were hiring for a secretary at the school district office. I get so excited that I begin to bounce up and down in my seat a little.

"The day the news does that to me..." Caroline commented as she put a fresh cup of coffee in front of me.

"I believe I've found the answer to my prayers, Caroline."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I don't know if Atticus told you anything about me. Did he?"

"No," she said as she took a seat next to me. I can tell by the way she looked in my eyes that she was telling the truth.

"Well, I was living in New York but I came back to Maycomb when I lost my job."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, well look at this," I told her as I pointed out the want ad. "This job would be perfect for me and it would probably pay me better than the other secretary job I had in New York."

"Imagine that," she said with true happiness in her voice. I don't think there is a fake thing about this woman, except her hair. I look down at her hands while she was still holding the paper and noticed she had an engagement ring and a wedding band on.

"You got married again?"

"Yes, I did," she replied as she folded up the paper and handed it back to me. "A few years ago."

"How come you didn't tell anyone?"

"It's a long story, Jean Louise," she said with a sigh. "You know how your Aunty and Uncle Jack are."

"Did Aunty used to pick on you the way she used to pick on me?"

"What do you mean she picked on you?"

"I just could never do anything right for her, that's all."

"Yeah, me too, sweet."

"Why Uncle Jack, though?"

"We were really close, sweet. He was my best friend growing up and right around the time I got married for the first time. Everyone in the family was not happy with me getting married so young and he became a big shot doctor who obviously became a big shot drunk. It's just a shame."

"What about Atticus?"

"Your father," she said with a sad smile. "He's a brilliant man."

"I think so," I agreed.

"A very serious one sometimes, too. When I got married for the second time..."

"Second time?" I was shocked. "How many times have you been married?"

"Three," she said matter-of-factly. Caroline got around, who knew? Actually, how did I not know? The older I get, the stranger my family gets.

"Anyway," she continued. "Your father and me got married around the same time. I thought your mother was a wonderful lady and so didn't your uncle."

"Wait, my uncle?"

"Jack was head over feet in love with your mother, too."

"Ewww..."

"Your mother was so full of life and love. She loved you children and Atticus very, very much. It was a crushing blow to everyone when she died."

"Even Aunty?" Don't ask me why I blurted that out.

"How can I say this without being harsh? Dark people can't accept light people."

"Well, you and I lived in the south long enough to know that!"

"That's not what I meant," she said with a little smile, regardless.

"I know," I admit. I truly can't help being a smart-ass sometimes.

"Hey, that brings me to another family secret..."

"What?"

"All four of us were named after slaves that worked for us."

"What?!"

I could have shit when she said that.

"Atticus was named after our butler; Alexandra's middle name was Sarafina, after our mammy; Jack's middle name is Diamond, after the son of a cotton picker and my middle name is Chloe after Sarafina's daughter."

I could only listen to her in awe. The more I knew about my family, the more I didn't understand. Atticus was shaped after black people even more than I thought he was. Why did he grow up to turn his back on them and join the klan? How could he do that to the black man who gave him the only name he could ever live up to: Atticus?

"I like your ring," she commented out of nowhere. God, I was so blown away by the family secrets that I totally forgot to tell her about Dill.

"I'm engaged," I say as I give her a close-up of my sapphire ring.

"Oh, that's beautiful," she said in awe. "Have you set a date yet?"

"No, not yet," I say with a sigh. "He's still in New York finishing up loose ends but once everything gets squared away, he'll be here with me and we'll figure out the wedding then."

"What's his name, dear?"

"Charles Harris. What's your husband's name?"

"John Christopher."

"Caroline Chloe Christopher, that's funny."

"Tell me about it," she said with a sigh as she got up. "Well, I'm going into town and I'm going to tell everyone goodbye."

"You're leaving already?"

"Yeah, I only was coming down for one day."

"Oh," I was actually disappointed she was leaving so soon.

"Listen," she said, taking me by the shoulders. "When you and Charles pick a date, you let me know, okay?"

"Okay."

"You're a good girl," she said as she kissed me. I stood there as I watched her pick up her purse, put her high heels on and walk out the door. We waved to each other and that concluded my reunion with her. She left as quick as she came.


	14. Sadness or Euphoria

"Jean Louise Finch," my interviewer called my name.

"Yes, sir," I reply as I almost hop out of my seat.

"I'm Mr. Green, superintendent of the school district," he introduces himself with a handshake.

"Nice to meet you, sir," I tell him as I take his hand.

"You too. Step into my office, please."

"Yes, sir."

The day Aunt Caroline left was the day I immeadiately put in my application for the school district secretary job. I couldn't believe it that the next day they had called me for an interview already. They must be really hard up for a person to fill this position. At this stage of the game, I really don't care; I will take any job that's offered to me at this point. I'd happily wait tables with my sister-in-law even though Aunty's words would ring in my ears until the day I found something better.

I step into the office and try to swallow my doubts. I give him my resume and take the seat behind me. I just hope he doesn't notice my legs shake as I cross them. Why would I think he would be looking at me crossing my legs? He wasn't a pervert like my fiancee or my brother. What if he is though? What if my underwear is showing and he can't help but stare? Why does he just sit there with that stupid smile on his face as he's looking at my resume? Why doesn't he just say something before my nerves explode out of my body?

"Ms. Finch," he finally says and I almost jump out of my seat at the sound of my voice. I've got to calm down before I'm turned down for possible nerve ailments.

"Yes, sir," I reply, feeling rather proud that I just sounded as cool as a cucumber.

"Why have you applied for this job?"

"Because I need one."

Greatest answer ever given, Scout, way to go. I don't think Mr. Green is very impressed with my answer either. His serious face is almost as disturbing as his smiling dork face.

"Your resume says that you've only ever had one secretarial job before: Rosenthal-Cohen Marketing LTD."

"That's correct, sir."

"Well, the work you do for the school district and marketing are two different things."

"Do I have to type for this job?"

"Yes."

"Do I have to do dictation?"

"Yes."

"Do I have to answer phone calls?"

"Yes."

"What's the problem, then? I did all those things back in New York."

This turned very bizarre all of a sudden and something was up. Why in the world would he make a big deal of my past working for Rosenthal-Cohen? Rosenthal and Cohen, it hit me then; they were Jewish names. Maycomb County's finest showing their true colors again.

"Are you upset of their founder's names? Is that why you don't want to let me in?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you using anti-semitism against me getting this job?"

"No, ma'am, I don't want to hire you because we already have someone lined up for the job."

"Well, why did you agree to see me for an interview when you already had someone in mind?"

"It's par the union. We have to give everyone a fair chance regardless. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression."

"Well, thank you," I say getting up to shake his hand. "I won't waste our time anymore."

"Have a good day," he says.

Have a good day? I'd like to tell him to have a good fuck for himself but I won't. I walk out of the school district building feeling pissed off at the world. I always knew our school district was shit but man I didn't expect that. What was I going to do now? The one job I wanted flew right out the window and now you couldn't pay me to take it even if that one person didn't work out. And I thought it was over prejudice! I'm so stupid for thinking Maycomb society is just that simple.

I bang my head off of Atticus' car door and curse to high hell. Why not have a goose egg on top of all the bullshit that came my way today? I turn up the radio loud and light my cigarette as I speed out of the parking lot. Focusing on my puffing and the beat of the music is the only thing keeping me sane on the trip home. I ram into the driveway with the thud of the brake and yank the transmitter to park. I wouldn't have rushed into the house like I did if it wasn't for the phone ringing.

"Hello," I answer breathless.

"Hey, sweetheart," Dill said, making me swoon.

"So good to hear you."

"How did your interview go?"

"I didn't get the job."

"I'm sorry, honey."

"It's a long story, Dill; I don't want to get into it. Let's just say that even if they changed their minds now I wouldn't take it..."

I had to plug my ear to hear anything he was saying. There was a loud engine noise and people in the background.

"Are you there?" He asked me once I stopped talking.

"Yeah, can you hear me?"

"Yeah."

"Where are you?"

"At the airport."

"What are you doing there?"

"Surprise, I'm coming home early."

"Ahh!"

All my troubles melted away at the fact Dill was getting on a plane over here. I started jumping up and down like a little girl on Christmas morning.

"Hey, I gotta run to make this plane. I'll be home soon. I love you."

"I love you. Please hurry."

"I can only go as fast as the plane can carry me, sweetheart."

"Well, tell the pilot to hurry!"

"Yeah, okay," he says with a laugh. "See you soon. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I hang up the phone with joy. My boy was coming home to be with me. I sit on the sofa and take a look at my sapphire ring; it made me think of how much I couldn't stand to be away from him. I can't wait to get married.


	15. Love Me Like You Do

I drove all the way to Mobile by myself to meet Dill at the airport. I usually would never take such a trip like this by myself; I would ask Jem or Atticus to accompany me on account of my distaste for driving, especially in big cities. I knew I was probably going to be a blubbering idiot when I see him get off the plane and I would hate to see them see me silly like that. Oh Dill, I do love you very much.

My heart seems to beat faster and faster due to the anticipation of his arrival. I first hear it when I park the car, it got faster as I hopped on the escalator, and the bah-booms just kept on drumming as I saw his plane land on the runway. I clutch at my chest and pray to God my heart doesn't pop out. My mind begins to wander as my heart goes into overdrive: Have I ever felt this way about anyone? I mean, besides members of my own family? I've come to realize that the answer was no. Hank couldn't do what Dill does to me on his best day. A part of me must have known that already; this past, horrible summer when Hank and Atticus revealed themselves, I thought about what Dill would do. The way he would kiss me out of the blue and hug me to make me feel better. He still does that and I don't know how I got to be so lucky. Not every girl can say their childhood sweetheart still loves them like they used to.

"Hey," a familiar voice says behind me. I would know his voice anywhere.

"Hey, yourself," I say with a smile. I wrap my arms around his neck while he kisses my lips.

"I've missed you so much," he tells me, softly.

"Me too," I say as I break away from him. My eyes started to water like I knew they would and that was when he put his hand to my face and began to rub my cheek. It felt nice but man it didn't make the tears stop from falling. This moment was too sweet.

"Let's go home," he finally said.

"Yeah, let's," I say, choked up.

That was all that was said to each other for quite a while. We got his luggage out of the claim and just headed out. I chose to drive again because I figured Dill had to be exhausted. After we drove out of the city, I took the backroads home and I knew I wouldn't regret it one bit; the sky was dark, we were alone, and it couldn't have felt anymore romantic to me.

"I got you a present," Dill said to me out of the blue.

"What'd you do that for?"

"Does there have to be a reason for everything?"

"You seem to forget that a lawyer raised me, don't you?"

"Because I love you and I want to make you happy, is that a good enough reason?"

"The best," I say, turning to look at him and flash him a smile.

"I think you'll really like it," he said with a devilish smile back.

"Oh God," I say, laughing. "I can only imagine. I don't suppose due to Aunty's death it's birth control pills?"

"You won't need them when you see it."

"Well, I guess we should hurry home then."

"Be careful, though. I want to have fun with my girl just once before I die."

"How romantic."

I don't know why the backroads seem to get us home faster than the highway but it was just as well. I guess my heart hasn't stopped beating fast since I got to the airport. I haven't felt so alive in days and it feels great to feel great again. For the first time since I've been here, it felt good to be in Maycomb again, to pull into Atticus' driveway again. Atticus was there waiting for us in the light of the living room while he unpacked the car. I waved to him as he waved back at me while we made our way to the front door.

"Hey, Atticus," I say as we make our way into the house.

"Hey, baby," he says as we kiss each other's cheeks. "Hey, Dill."

"Hey, Atticus," Dill said as he dropped his luggage and gave my father a hug. I loved it when they would do that. I wonder if Atticus knows how much Dill still looks up to him.

"So, what did you get me?" I asked as they broke away from each other.

"Give the man a chance, honey," Atticus said, laughing.

"It's okay," he says as he goes to one of the suitcases. "Close your eyes, sweetheart."

"Okay," I say as I do what I'm told.

"No peeking," Atticus said.

"I'm not."

I could hardly contain my excitement as I heard him open up the zipper. I was stumped when I heard another zipper. My pulse skyrocketed when I heard Atticus gasp.

"What is it? Can I open my eyes now?"

"Look, sweetheart," he finally says.

My jaw drops to the floor when I see my gift. It was the wedding dress from the catalouge we were looking at over Christmas vacation; New Year's to be exact.

"I thought you didn't think it would look good on me."

"So I had a change of heart," he said with a shrug. "You should wear what you want."

"Thank you," I said as I went to hug him. He put down the dress gently as he returned my hug. I looked back at Atticus who was standing there smiling at us. I think he approves of our relationship which makes me even more happy.

"Tell me what you really think," he says.

"I think I really would like to get married soon," I confess.

"We can," he says as he gives my cheek a kiss. "That's if Atticus doesn't mind."

"What do you think, Atticus?" I ask as I turn to him. He is still smiling so I will take it as a good sign.

"I think all I want for you is to be happy."

"I would honestly be happy getting married at City Hall with you and my brother by my side."

"We can do that."

I've become a champion of gulping down lumps in my throat. I let go of the man who loves me and go to the man who loved me first. I have a feeling letting me go isn't going to be easy for him but he'll do it for my happiness. A surge of gratitude runs through my veins as I wrap my arms around my father.

"Thank you, Atticus."


	16. I Can Feel Your Heartbeat

The next couple of days following Dill's return to Maycomb turned out to be incredibly joyous for me. I really did miss everything about him: his body heat at night, his "good morning" hug and kiss, the way he would make me laugh when I didn't even feel like smiling. I don't think anyone in my life has made me feel more wonderful than he has. His being is still a total comfort to me after all these years and it feels good to know that I must be that somebody for him. I would have to be otherwise I doubt he would put up with me like he does.

The morning after was when I finally got the ball rolling on our upcoming marriage. We went down to city hall to register for our marriage liscences and to make a formal appointment for our nuptuials. Our liscences wouldn't be ready until the following Monday and the only available time would be at noon on the Tuesday after. It didn't matter to Dill and I; we were ready to be married and as for Atticus and Jem, they swore they were up for anything. I will never stop considering my father and brother as blessings.

It wasn't until the weekend that my mother began to creep into my consciousness again. I realized that I hadn't dreamed of her since the night Caroline came home. It's funny how when she first came to me I was frightened by her presense and now I'm scared by her absense. She really wouldn't leave me now, would she? I silently prayed to her that whole weekend that I needed a sign from her. I needed her love and support now more than ever. Then I thought maybe I was being too needy for her. She always seemed to show up when I thought I didn't need her. I decided I would just let her go and let her decide for herself when she should come to me again.

Monday morning hit me like a ton of bricks. Our liscences were issued and delivered to us through the mail. A part of me was overwhelmed with happiness while the other part of me was overwhelmed with anxiety. I suppose what I was feeling was normal but then I wondered if I had rushed things and gone over my head with my upcoming wedding. My worries had really gotten the better of me by dinnertime and I tried my best to not let it show. Jem and Sara had hosted dinner at their house and it was delicious: we had roast chicken, potatoes au gratin and brussel sprouts and I had to force myself to eat it. The boys laughed and joked as they drank their wine while me and Sara sipped our ice water and just took everything in.

"You nervous, hon?" Sara asked me while I helped her clean up the dishes.

"I honestly feel terrified," I replied. I figured it must have been written on my face since she asked.

"You'll be okay," she said with a giggle. "I didn't think I could go through with my wedding either and now look at me."

"Pregnant and all," I chimed. It did help break some ice. "Seriously, what got you through it?"

"Your brother," she said as she looked down at the floor. "I'll never forget the feeling of seeing him there waiting for me. It seemed as though nothing else mattered. Don't worry, you'll feel it too."

"Thank you," I say as I hug her. I don't think she'll ever realize how much she helped me in that moment.

"Not a problem," she said as she hugged me back harder. "You're going to be just fine."

"Make sure you come, too."

"I'll be there."

Even with Sara's words of comfort, there was no way that sleeping was going to be an easy task. Dill almost never had a problem falling asleep and sure enough he was snoring away beside me. I rubbed his hair while I stared at the clock on the wall and prayed the tick tock would put me in some sort of trance. After so much time I finally felt my eyes flutter and the motion of my hand on Dill's hair stop.

"Wanna go see daddy?" Mama asks me as I watch her pick me up. I was so happy to be back in mama's loving arms again that I giggled at the same time my little self giggled. It's still so weird yet so wonderful to see my little girl self in my dreams and to feel what I must have been feeling at those times. My father had regressed to his younger years again and God he was as handsome as I remember him. My mother puts me on his lap which distracts him from the paper he's reading but he doesn't seem to mind.

"Hi, baby," he says as he gives my hair a rub. "Want me to read to you?"

"Yeah," I reply with a big smile.

I watch as my father puts my hand in his and our fingers go through every word he reads. It was the 1920's and the stock market was unbelieveably good and shady even though I wouldn't have understood it then. I was just happy I was reading with my father. I watch myself kiss my father's cheek over and over again, which causes him to lose his place and his composure. He and my mother begin to laugh at my affections and finally he kisses my cheek back. What else could he do?

"You're so funny," mama says as she comes over and tickles me. I guess I would have attacked her with kisses had I not been so busy laughing. Mama picks me back up again and swings me around. I've never felt so good.

"Mommy loves you," she says as she kisses my other cheek. "You're my good girl."

"Good girl," I repeat, pointing to myself.

"Yes, you are. Don't you forget that."

"Atticus," I say out of the blue. "Atticus."

"She wants you, dear," mama says with a smile. It's nice that she doesn't mind sharing. Atticus drops his paper and comes over to get me. Mama kisses my cheek again as she hands me over to my father. I cling to him immeadiately and I snuggle my head close to his chest. I can hear his heartbeat and I suddenly am overcome with emotion; so much so that it woke me up.

"Heartbeat," I whisper breathlessly into the night. It all makes sense to me now; Atticus saved Jem from death by the sound of his heartbeat. How could that relate to me though? Was mama just trying to tell me what Jem and Atticus had been through or was there something more? Like had Atticus saved me from myself?


	17. Something

I woke up on my wedding day with butterflies in my stomach. Dill had already left for Jem's house by the time I rolled out of bed. As unconventional as our wedding had seemed, there were some wedding traditions that were still insisted upon. Not only was Dill not going to see me get ready (despite the fact he was the one who bought my dress) and Sara had my four somethings ready to go once we got to City Hall.

"There's hot biscuits here for you, sweet," Atticus offered as I walked into the kitchen.

"They look and smell delicious but I don't have an appetite," I confess.

"Honey, your wedding is not until noon and I'd rather not have you pass out during your nuptuials."

"I probably will with or without food."

"Honey, just try, please."

I give in with a sigh and take a seat at the table. I will honor my father's wishes and try to eat at least one. I took a bird bite to start with but took another big bite because they tasted as delicious as they looked and smelled. I split it open and slather it with butter and strawberry jam and it was heaven from there. I felt a lot better after I finished breakfast and I know Atticus felt better about me feeling better.

I hopped in the shower right after that and that's when my emotions really got the better of me. Once the shower head water spurted water, my eyes spurted out tears. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn't I shake this off and just be happy? I love Dill, I know that; so why am I so scared and emotional?

"You're okay," I tell myself as I lather shampoo into my hair. "You're going to be just fine. You're going to be so happy."

"Scout," Atticus says as he knocks on the bathroom door.

"Yes?"

"Don't stay in there too long. Jem took Dill out already and Sara wants you at the house so she can help you get ready."

"Okay," I say as I stand under the water to rinse my hair out. I spent the rest of my shower wondering about how Atticus was doing. Maybe if I worry about Atticus I won't worry about myself.

 **Jem and Sara's House**

"Ready to look like a bride?" Sara asked as soon as I walked in the house with Atticus not far behind me.

"Ready as I'll ever be," I reply.

"Oh, you," she says with a laugh. "Hello, Atticus."

"Hello, Sara."

"Mighty fine tux there," she commented.

"Thank you."

He really did look handsome in his tuxedo. I smile as Sara begins to wisk me away into the bathroom. I think he notices how I don't keep my eyes off him the whole time.

"I'll be here when you come out, baby," he says as he takes a seat on their sofa.

"Good," I say before the bathroom door shuts behind me. "So what do you have in store for me, Sar?"

"Well first, I need you to strip down to your bra and panties."

"Okay," I oblige as I rip off my jeans and t-shirt. Probably not what good girls of Maycomb wear right before they get married.

"All right," she says as she pulls something out of a nearby bag. "For something borrowed, here's a garter from my friend that she never got to wear."

"Sexy," I comment as she slips the frilly thing all the way up to my thigh.

"For something new, your dress that Dill got for you."

"Here," I say, lifting up my arms. "Does it have to go up over my head?"

"No," she says as she srunches it up at the bottom so I can slip into it. I turn around slightly to look at myself in the mirror as she puts it on. Something magical happened because as soon as I was strapped into my sleeveless, white and pink dress, all my worries seemed to have faded away. The reality was beginning to make me smile instead of cry.

"You look like a picture already!"

"Picture of what?"

"Oh, stop it!" Sara says with a laugh. "Look at me."

"Okay," I say as I turn around.

"Something blue," she says as she dabs her finger in a creamy blue substance. "Your eye shadow."

It was cold and tickilish. Sure, I dab on some lipstick and mascara every now and then but I almost never touch eye shadow. To me it seems too obvious that your wearing make-up but I'm not going to complain; Sara was kind enough to do all this for me and it would be rude of me to not be grateful over something as petty as that.

"Do you want to put on your own make-up now?"

"Sure, I can do my own."

"Are we wearing our hair up or down?"

"I just assume wear it down."

"Okay," she says as she hands me her make-up bag. "I'll leave you alone for a few minutes. I got to go get your something old."

"Thank you so much."

"You're very welcome."

My sister-in-law the miracle worker; she actually made me pretty. I sigh with a smile as I paint my lashes pitch black, I pout my lips when I dab pretty pink lipstick on them. I comb my hair that feels as smooth as silk after my shower and I feel pretty damn ready for this wedding now.

"Scout, are you ready to come out?" Atticus asks as he knocks on my door.

"Yeah, but where's Sara? I need my something old."

"She wanted me to give it to you."

"You? Why would she want you to give it to me?"

I walked out to see him standing there with a pearl necklace in his hands. I gasp out loud because I realize that it was my mother's. Do not cry, Scout, you just applied your mascara. Don't even touch your lips to cover your mouth, either.

"Remember?" He asks as he walks over to me to put the necklace on. "There was a pearl necklace that belonged to your mother. I put it away and here it is to be yours."

"Why now?"

"I think your mother would be proud to see you wearing that on your wedding day," he says as he finally clasps it on good. "After all, she wore this on our wedding day."

"Oh, Atticus," I whisper breathlessly as I look at my mother's necklace.

"Jem has her ring."

"Why would he have her ring?"

"To give to you. Dill was going to buy you a band but I told him that it would be a perfect time for me to give you your mother's ring."

"Her wedding band?"

"Her wedding band."

"I love you," I say with tears of pride swelling in my eyes despite myself. "So much."

"Come here, baby," he tells me as he pulls me into a hug. I hug him back harder and I didn't leave his arms until Sara was ready to go. It was all happening.

 **City Hall**

Sara walked into the appointment room at exactly noon to the beat of _The Wedding March_. The butterflies flew back into my stomach as I clutch onto my father's arm.

"Ready or not," he says as he pats my arm. I smile at him as we being our walk. For some reason I cannot bring myself to look at Dill; I keep on looking at Jem who is beaming from ear to ear. I then look at the justice of the peace who looks slightly indifferent; I can only imagine how many times he's done this. It wasn't until we were up at the "altar" that I finally took Dill's hand and looked at him. He had on that dorky grin of his and he then kissed me out of the blue.

"After the vows," Jem said as he slapped him. "After the vows."

"Jeremy," Atticus sneered as I laughed. Atticus then kissed my cheek, told me he loved me, and then sat down next to Sara. I looked at Dill again who just kept on smiling.

"Dearly beloved," our officiant began. "We are gathered here today to join Charles Baker Harris and Jean Louise in holy matrimony. Jean Louise, do you take Charles Baker to be your lawfully wedded husband? For richer, for poorer; through sickness and in health; for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," I manage to croak out.

"Do you, Charles Baker, take Jean Louise to be your lawfully wedded wife? For richer, for poorer; through sickness and in health; for long as you both shall live?"

"I do," Dill replies with confidence.

"Now the ring," the officiant says as Jem presents him with my mother's ring. The officiant then hands it to Dill and I just pray to God he doesn't drop it or something.

"Charles Baker, please place this on her left ring finger and repeat after me: With this ring, I thee wed."

"With this ring, I thee wed."

"By the power vested in me, by God and the state of Alabama, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may..."

He didn't even give us permission yet for the second time when Dill went for it. Sara, what did you do to me to make me so irresistible? I'm sure we had the most passionate kiss of any newlyweds because the officiant blushed a little. Jem laughed his head off at the sight while I couldn't even look at my father because I didn't even want to know what he thought. I can only imagine what mama would think but I can hear aunty now: "Leave it to Jean Louise to have the most distasteful wedding City Hall ever saw..."


	18. Black Water

"We did it," Dill said as we crawled into bed and snuggled after our long but mostly happy wedding day.

"Yes, we did it," I said as I began to rub his hair. He nuzzles his face into my naked chest which causes me to jolt a little because his face felt so cold.

"I'm sorry," he apologized out of the blue.

"What for? You don't have to apologize for anything."

"You mean you weren't embarrassed that I kissed you when I wasn't supposed to?"

"I wasn't embarrassed at all. I was flattered by the fact you didn't need anyone's permission to kiss me."

"Your brother though..."

"Dill, you never had a brother so you wouldn't know that brothers are just stupid sometimes."

"Atticus though..."

"He'll get over it; my brother will, too. Don't worry about it anymore, okay?"

"Okay," he says as he lifts his head back up to kiss me again. I don't think I've ever been kissed so much in my life than on this day. He rests a hand on my cheek and strokes it with his thumb. "I love you."

"I love you."

"I'm so happy you're my wife."

"I'm so happy you're my husband."

"Have I ever told you that the smartest thing I've ever done was come back to you?"

"Have I ever told you the smartest thing I've ever done was let you?"

We caught ourselves off gaurd by kissing each other again. I really was so in love with him and the fact that we were here together, we just got married, we were totally in this together; it was so comforting. My eyes couldn't help but flutter shut and I can fell Dill giving me one last smooch before he let me drift off to sleep.

"Ladies and gentleman," I hear a man say out of nowhere. "We are here today for the baptism of Jean Louise Finch."

A baptism for me? I woke up to find myself in one of the master bedrooms of the Landing House. I look out to see quite a few family members there; some I recognized, others not. I quickly check to make sure I'm decent before I head out to join everyone. I don't know why I'm worried about that because I know no one can even see me anyway. My mother loves for me to revisit times in my life, why I don't know. It's not long before I'm actually in the lazy river right behind the minister. I get a perfect view of Atticus, Jem, my mother and me; Jem is holding on to mama's hand while Atticus holds me.

"Bring forth the baby," the minister orders while my father places a kiss on my head before handing me over to him. The minister wraps a blanket over my face and I begin to wail. My mother and brother begin to jump at the sound of my "distress" but my father keeps calm.

"With the cleanse of this water, may Jean Louise Finch behold in the palm of God's hand," he says as he dunks me in the river. My family memebers erupt in applause while my baby self erupts in anger and disbelief when my body's lifted and the blanket is removed from my face. For a split second, I can see my parents kiss each other and it was a breathtaking sight. That and my brother begin to wail because I'm wailing. Mama picks him up and holds him while Atticus opens up his arms for me.

"You're all right," he reassures me as he kisses my cheek and throws me over his shoulder. I can feel him hug me and it makes my heart melt.

"Yes," mama says as she comes over to me with Jem still in her arms. She rubs my wet hair as she gives me a kiss. "You're a good girl. Mommy loves you."

"Don't cry again, Scout," my brother says, rubbing my arm but trying to act tough at the same time. I have never seen Jem so little in my dreams and to realize how much he always tried to protect me is enough to make me cry.

"Scout, Scout," Dill kept repeating as he shook me awake.

"What?"

"Wake up."

"I'm awake. Stop it!"

Then there was a knock at the door. I knew it had to have been Atticus. I immeadiately throw on my pajama top and throw the covers up over mine and Dill's laps.

"Come in," I croak.

"Sweet," he said as he switched on the light. "I can hear you from my room."

"What?"

"You were having a bad dream, sweetheart, real bad," Dill chimed in.

"No, I wasn't."

"You were crying up a storm," Dill added. "Look, your pillow is wet."

I couldn't believe it but my pillow was definitely soaked. I felt my cheeks and they were as wet as my pillow. My hands stayed on my face until I could feel the red of embarrassment show up. Dill kissed my temple as Atticus shot me a look that meant he was studying me hard.

"You were dreaming of your mother again, weren't you?"

"Atticus, was I baptized at the Landing?"

"Yes," he replied after a pause. "Why?"

"I was there; she took me to see it. It must have been the real me, not baby me crying."

There was an awkward silence after I said that. I kept waiting for Atticus to do something but he never did. Dill took my hand and held it tight as Atticus shut the light off.

"Good night, Scout," he said before shutting the door.

"Good night, Atticus," I said as I slithered back into the covers. Dill took me in his arms again and it was my turn to nuzzle my face into his naked chest.


	19. Hello

**A/N: I've decided to make this the last chapter. Thank you to all of you who have been on this journey with me.**

"Jem, what are you doing here?" I ask as I make my way to the kitchen. I know he picks Atticus up for work but never does he come over early to have breakfast with us.

"Good morning to you, too," he replies, sarcastically.

"I didn't mean it that way."

"I know you didn't."

"Well, don't be a dumbass."

"Scout," Atticus bellows from behind his newpaper. I then give my brother a kiss on the cheek which he happily returns.

"Seriously though, what are you doing here?"

"Atticus invited me over for breakfast. Besides, he wanted to talk to both of us."

"About what, Atticus?"

That was when Atticus flipped over the newspaper and grunted. If I know my father, this means he has big news and doesn't quite know how to break it to us so he's preparing himself to make us swallow the information whole. Oh God, please don't tell me he's been to the doctors and he has a terminal illness.

"Where's Dill?" Atticus asks, wiping his glasses with his shirt.

"Still sleeping," I reply.

"All right," he said, getting up from the table. "I want you both to come into my room."

He begins to walk along but Jem and I just stand there as if we're frozen in time. For a split second we just stare at each other like deer in the headlights; why was our father acting so strange?

"Jem, Scout, come along," he orders again. This time our legs decide to work and we follow our father apprehensively up the stairs to his bedroom. We were almost never invited into his bedroom so this had to be big. We entered the doorway to find our father pain-stakingly take out a pink safe that I had never seen before.

"Did you know he kept a pink safe?" I whisper to Jem.

"No," he whispered back. "I take it you never have, either."

"No."

When Atticus finally unlocked the safe, he pulled out a huge stack of papers; some of them looked as old and faded as Atticus himself. What was so important about that those papers that he had to keep a safe that neither Jem or I knew about?

"Come here," Atticus ordered as he arranged papers in sections. Jem took a seat on the edge of the matress while I sat up top by the bed post. All we could do was wait and breathe.

"Jem this is for you," he said as he handed him an old, grungy piece of lawyer pad paper.

"Scout, this is for you," he said as he handed me a similar looking piece. I didn't have to even see what this was about to know it was as close to holy grail that I will ever see.

 ** _Scout,_**

 ** _Hi, baby, it's mommy. I don't think you will ever know how much joy it has been for me to be your mommy. On the day that you were born, I knew God gave me an extraordinary female to raise. You were feisty, you loved the men in your life (your father, your brother, your uncle), and you acted independent so much so that you refused my coddling._**

 ** _About that, I feel I should apologize for that. I mistook your need for independence to mean that you didn't need me. The sad truth is that maybe I didn't let myself get too close to you for fear that I was weighing you down. I forgave myself for the fact I was only hurting you and I by doing that._**

I had to catch my breath after reading that. Was that to mean that in all my dreams she was only showing me how she wished she could have been?

 _ **Honey, believe what I say: I love you. The moment Dr. Reynolds placed you on my chest after you were delivered, I saw and felt love. The love I felt for you as you grew up with your own vibrant personality only intensified. I can't describe the wonder and happiness I felt when your first word was, "Mama". Once you learned to talk and walk, it was like a new beginning for you and I. I knew God didn't let me down when I thought he blessed me with an incredible human being of a little girl.**_

 _ **I'm not going away, sweetheart, I will be with you. You will feel me on your wedding day, the day you give birth to your own children, the day when I'm sure you'll take over the world. I'm going to a place where I can make sure nothing bad will happen to you; I will be your guardian angel. If you ever should wonder where I am, look for the times when you feel love because that's where I will be; I will be where love is. Open your heart and I will come back to you.**_

 _ **Mommy loves you. Kisses and hugs forever from me to you.**_

My chest heaves as soon as mama's goodbye letter to me was over. I want to cry but my eyes are as dry as a bone. The realization that my mother knew she was dying and she left me a goodbye message cracks me open. I look over at my brother whose tears are running free; he is as cracked open as I am.

"Baby," Atticus says as he hands me more papers. "These are the dreams I have had of your mother over the years. You're not alone, sweet."

Me and Jem could have sat there all day reading of the sweet dreams that he shared with mama. The ones that shocked me the most were the ones we pretty much shared: the re-living of the Bob Ewell attack in which his note was, "Thank you for my children."; the one where Miss Maudie showed us where mama was (my first mama dream); the one where she wanted me to go with her because "daddy was waiting for us." The note he left was: "Yes, please bring her back to me. I could have weeped for days over that. Then there was last night's dream; we both revisited this time together which, according to his note, "was probably the reason she and I felt each other so strongly in our dream."

"So, you felt me when you hugged me getting out of the water?" I asked, looking up at him.

"I did."

"What was it like?"

"It was like I was hugging the daughter I love very much."

"I love you," I say, reaching up and wrapping my arms around him.

"I love you, too," he says as I watch him extend an arm for my brother. "Come here, baby."

Did he really just call my brother "baby"? I never heard him call Jem that and it broke my heart; he was just as broken open as his children were. Jem wipes the tears from his eyes and goes to my father. For the first time in forever, all three of us were in mourning over what was and we would be on the road to healing for now and what will be.


End file.
